Interrupting the fixed mindset cycle in times of transition
Interrupting the fixed mindset cycle in times of transition
Last week, I found myself in a hotel ballroom giving a talk to a room full of executives at a highly competitive global financial firm. Once I finished, a woman, we’ll call her Linda, approached me, pulled me to the side and said, “Your training just gave me goosebumps because what you were talking about has been happening to me. Everything finally just clicked into place and it makes sense to me now!”
The story Linda shared is one I think we can all relate to.
She said, “My 10-year daughter, Zoe, has always been really interested in singing—yet she’s had no formal training. Nevertheless, Zoe decides she wants to try out for a children’s choir. She researches local choirs online and decides to try out for the New York City Children’s Chorus—one of the most competitive children’s choral programs in the country.”
“I want to be supportive,” she said, “and I am, but I also don’t want her to get her hopes up. And so I told her, ‘Honey, you have to practice’ and I explained to her, ‘Look, we’ll go to the audition but please don’t get your hopes up too much. Most of the kids that get picked for this have spent the last 8 to10 years in professional lessons preparing for this audition.’ I told her the competition will be steep and she’d probably not make it in.
A week later, we went to the audition and I could not believe it: Zoe was selected!”
Linda continued: “In that moment, I don’t know what to say. I’m thrilled for my daughter—she’s clearly ecstatic—but she didn’t have to put in the time and effort that I know most kids have to put in in order to make the choir.”
Then, Linda offered some insight as to why this troubled her so much. “It made me feel unsettled because as a Black woman at a firm like this, I’ve always had to earn my way to my success—nothing’s come easy to me. I don’t want Zoe to start thinking that hard work doesn’t matter, that she can just show up and everything will work out. I was a bit worried about what this ‘easy win’ would teach my daughter: What if she takes away that hard work doesn’t matter?”
“Fast forward to this summer and Zoe goes to a summer camp focused on the arts. There she learns that there’s going to be a musical and they’re letting kids audition for different parts. Zoe tells me she wants to audition. And once again, my heart sinks because I’m thinking ‘Oh no, I don’t want her to get let down. I don’t want her to feel like she’s a failure. Or to have the expectation that last time’s success is going to repeat itself.’”
“Again, I support her but also express some caution. I tell her, ‘A lot of these kids have been acting and doing musicals for a long time, and even if you do make it, it’s unlikely that you’re going to get the lead role because you’ve never been in a musical or acted before.”
“And then, Zoe looks at me with frustration flashing across her face. She says ‘Mom, why do you always assume I want the lead part? I don’t care about that at all. It’s not important to me that I’m the best. Why do you care so much about that? I just want to try something new, and have fun with the group.’”
Linda reached out and grabbed my arm. With tears in her eyes she said, “Mary, that’s what you’ve been teaching today. The lightbulb went off for me just now. I’ve had a fixed mindset about performance my whole life. I’ve always felt that if I can’t be excellent at something, it’s not worth doing. And, I think I’ve shied away from some good opportunities because I wasn’t 100% certain that I could excel at them. I’ve been projecting my limiting beliefs onto Zoe. But somehow, Zoe’s managed to have a growth mindset about these new situations and I don’t want to take that away from her. Thanks for connecting the dots for me and putting words to what I’ve been feeling all along.”
I’m so grateful to Linda for sharing this vulnerable story because I think it’s a great example of how our mindsets are shaped by our contexts, and can in turn shape how we approach new situations.I can feel Linda wanting to move toward a future growth mindset and, at the same time, I empathize with the history and contexts she’s experienced that explain why she might have adopted some of her beliefs. It makes a lot of sense.
As we move into the new school year and into the Fall season, we’re all likely in some kind of transition. Whether it’s helping our kids transition back to school or transitioning into a new phase of work ourselves after the summer, our mindsets often affect the way we perceive and experience new situations.
Like Linda, we might default into thinking that if we can’t be absolutely certain that we can excel at something (a new school, a new grade, a new role, a new team), it’s better not to try. After all, in a fixed mindset world where you either have it or you don’t, it’s much better to show that you’re one of the gifted ones.
But we know this kind of thinking won’t serve us well in the long term.
How can we make the shift toward growth for ourselves, our kids, and those we mentor, care for, and support?
Like Zoe, it helps to enjoy the process: the process of learning something new, of giving it a shot, collecting some feedback, and enjoying the experience—whatever the outcome might be.
If we can shift ourselves into learning mode rather than high stakes proving-and-performing mode, we can relax a little. It takes the focus off the self and how we’re appearing to others and lets us put our attention on the task at hand. When we shift focus like this, research shows that we’re actually more likely to enjoy the experience—and perform better too.
And here’s the thing: it makes perfect sense why people who aspire to be successful in our often-competitive world might find themselves defaulting to their fixed mindset – it can be a self-protective strategy.
Linda’s experience of noticing that she’s been in her fixed mindset about performance is not an isolated one. Almost every time I speak to a group, I hear stories like this.
It’s why I’m on a mission to help normalize the fixed mindset and recognize the situations where we’re likely to experience it. Giving people the tools they can use to recognize these moments and to help themselves (and those they care for) shift towards growth is empowering. And, we don’t have to do it alone.
Embodying our growth mindsets, and supporting others to do so as well, can give us courage to experiment and try new things even (and perhaps especially) in the face of transition and uncertainty.
In the next few stacks, I’ll be focusing on different kinds of transitions and how our mindsets play a role in our emotional and behavioral responses to them. I’d love to hear from you: What are the transitions you’d like me to focus on? Please share them by replying to this note—these replies come directly to me.
New Resources for Culture Creators
Thanks to everyone who’s shared how much they enjoyed the Culture of Growth pods series this summer. If you’re looking to kick off your own pod as we transition to Fall, check out our new guide, “Creating and Nurturing Your Pod” to help you get started.
If you’re interested in bringing Cultures of Growth to your organization, my team at Equity Accelerator would love to talk with you. Reach out to schedule a consultation.
Until soon, my friends,
Mary